In my previous blog about the personality of the The Scientist, a trait came to the forefront that I can very much relate to: ‘Having very high standards for their performance and the performance of others‘.
When I was told about this trait, a memory came up of me having a session with a coach many years ago, where I told her what I had achieved with my horse; the highest level in jumping and it was normal to me. I remember when I told her, she frowned and said ‘no, that’s not normal’ but didn’t explain to me why it was not normal and I didn’t ask.
I always lived with the assumption that ‘what I can do, you can do too’. Because I see the same potential within everyone. When discussing this with my buddy, she told me that ‘that potential exists on an existential level, but right now, we need to be sensitive to the fact that people have different minds, different upbringing, different programming, different strengths and weaknesses’. So, it’s not always so that ‘what I can do, anyone can do’.
Side note; What I also see in this, is that you have to like what you do in order to develop a skill or talent and become good at it/an expert, otherwise there is no intrinsic motivation. It needs to resonate within you. And growth needs space as well. It depends on how much space there is in your life to develop a certain skill/talent.
So, I can’t really know what is ‘normal’ for another, but I can be sensitive to the fact that what is ‘normal’ for me, might take a lot of effort for others or even seems impossible. It’s best to place myself in their shoes, to not have the same expectations for them that I have for myself. I have to adjust to where they are, their possibilities, their strengths, talents, skills. Allow for the possibility that they are capable of what I am capable of, but don’t expect it to be.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that it’s normal to achieve the highest level of jumping with my horse and to not see, realize and understand that this isn’t the same for another person.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think as an assumption, that what I can do, others can do too. Which in essence is true, but without taking in consideration their programming, different minds, upbringing, and different strengths and weaknesses. So;
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not take into consideration that other people come from different backgrounds, have different programming, different minds and strengths and weaknesses.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to expect too much of people because I compare them with myself when thinking we all have the same potential within us.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to set high standards for other people the same as I do for myself.
When and as I see myself having an expectation that another person can do what I do, I stop and breath. I realize that it’s best to step in their shoes, to see where they are and to adjust to that.
I commit myself to step in the shoes of another, to see and adjust to where they are and allow for the possibility that they can do what I do, but not expect it to be.
For a few months now I have been supported through Kinesiology sessions by Kim Amourette. She helps me to look within myself on a deeper level at what triggers me to go into stress.
In one of our sessions I brought up that lately everything I had to do on a daily basis felt like a burden. As if everything was too much.
Kim showed me that my stress is triggered by environmental factors; other people, traffic, planes, telephone masts, basically everything. The emotion that is triggered within me is ‘indifference’ as a reaction to everything in my environment and as a result of that, I want people to leave me alone because ‘everything is too much for me’ and ‘I don’t want to deal with things or people right now’.
Besides that, I have developed habitual patterns -as thoughts- of getting myself to ‘do it anyways’ and pushing myself through resistance but in a way going against my own experience; i don’t listen to myself and ignore what is going on inside. What came up in the session was the personality design of ‘the scientist’;
‘Someone who is independent, original, analytical and determined. Have an exceptional ability to turn theories into solid plans of action. Highly value knowledge, competence and structure. Long range thinkers. Have very high standards for their performance and the performance of others. Natural leaders but will follow if they trust existing leaders’.
All of the above is triggered when I feel like I am in charge, when I think that things depend on me and fall on my shoulders. I have to make things work or else everything falls apart. And because of these thoughts, I ignore and hide my own experience within myself. Even when I am in pain or exhausted.
Kim explained to me how all of this relates to the personality of the Scientist; this personality ‘has to figure it all out’. Who works with physical reality and tunes out their emotions and feelings. The one who essentially hyper focus on physical reality but ignores whats going on internally; the ‘self’ reality. ‘So even if I’m hanging on by a thread and am in every way actually incapable and unable, I will still need to find a way to stand and keep going’. ‘So I need to basically lie about how I feel and where I’m at – to pretend like I’ve got a handle on everything and have everything under control’. ‘Put on a face of stability/security, while inside I am actually crumbling’. ‘Cause all that matters is the lie that I’m able to tell myself and others. The reality of what is going on inside and who I am is to be hidden, in order to protect and uphold the lie no matter what’.
I could strongly relate to the traits of the Scientist and it made me happy even tho I knew that the personality of the scientist is a lie; it’s not who I really am but I stepped into it at some point in my life. I wanted to know when I had created it and a memory came up; as a child I watched my parents being busy with their company for 24/7 and they often came home with tension and stress. I thought their stress was all my fault, that I was the cause of it because I was in their life and felt like a burden to them. As a result of these thoughts, I started to feel guilty and wanted to relief their stress by bearing their burdens. As if I would then pay off my debt for making their lives so hard. From then on, my focus was on my parents, on others to lift their burdens and completely ignore mine.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that everything is too much for me and that I react with indifference towards my environment: other people, traffic, planes, telephone towers, everything.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing to think that others should leave me alone because I don’t want to deal with anything or someone.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing to think that everything is a burden to bear.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing to make a habit of pushing myself through my own resistance to do something that goes against my experience internally
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to live the personality of the Scientist when triggered in a situation where I think I should take charge
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing to think that others should be able to lean on me when things go wrong.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing to think that I am independent and can do everything on my own and not see, realize and understand that I am dependent on others as well; for my income, relationships, food, housing, travel, my general development on a physical, mental and creative level, we all are dependent on each other.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing to think that I must be original, different from others so I can stand out and be special
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that analytical thinking makes me special, and different from others who may have developed it less and therefore I feel superior, better than them.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that I must be determined, and when I let go of that, I don’t have a direction to go and to not see, realize and understand that living my principles will guide me in any situation.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that knowledge is of great value, where I mean knowledge gained from books and to not see, realize and understand that real knowledge comes from my own living experience.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to consider competence of great value and to judge people when I see that there is a lack in competence and to not see, realize and understand that by focusing on the lack in others, I don’t have to look at my own incompetence.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to consider structure of great value, in an almost rigid way and to not see, realize and understand that when I let go of it a bit more, I create space for more spontaneous moments.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to step into the Scientist’s personality because when playing that role, I can ignore and hide my own feelings and emotions and instead can hyperfocus on something more important.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel guilty because as a young girl I think I am a burden to my parents and this world when I see how much stress my parents have and blame myself for it.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think – as a young girl- that I need to pay off my own created thoughts of debt by bearing the burdens of my parents and other people
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to as a little girl, not asking my parents why they are so stressed and instead created a role for myself as being the victim of their stress.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that I am a victim of my parents stress.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel guilty because I exist, where I don’t see, realize and understand that my parents wanted to have me.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing to think that if I don’t do it, no one will and everything will fall to pieces.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing to think that I must be strong anyway, even though I feel weak inside.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing to think that I have to hide all my pain in order to stand.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing to think that at the end of the day it doesn’t matter how I feel about things because I am the one who has to get it all done.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to find it easier to tell someone else to take a break than to myself, I will work until the work is done.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that even though I feel weak and exhausted and can’t even go on physically, it doesn’t matter because I think I am responsible and have to live with the exhaustion.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing to think that I have to live with the exhaustion as part of my life and not see, realize and understand that my body also needs rest.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that there is no excuse for me to sit down, not even when I really need it.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that I have to keep standing, keep going because it all depends on me and that’s why I ignore what’s going on inside me and how my body feels.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to even when I feel weak and exhausted and actually can’t go on physically, that this doesn’t matter because after all I am responsible, there is no excuse.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to completely ignore what is going on in my body and in myself
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that everything must remain intact and under control and that everything must function properly.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to put on a face of stability and security even when I crumble within.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that all that matters is the lie that I tell myself and others and to hide the reality of how I really feel inside and to maintain the lie that I am living, no matter what.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that the characteristics of the scientist is who I really am and not to see, realize and understand that this is a lie and not who I truly am.
When and as I am aware of hiding how I really feel inside, I stop and breathe. I realize that I can stay true to myself by being vulnerable and telling how I really feel.
I commit myself to whenever I feel stress coming up, to check in with myself how I really feel and to correct what I realize with SF in the moment.
I commit myself to speak up about what’s really going on inside, be self honest about things that going on within me so I stay true to myself.
No more hiding.
Continuation in the next blog about the other traits of the Scientist; ‘Having very high standards for their performance and the performance of others. Natural leaders but will follow if they trust existing leaders’.
There are so many opinions about what’s going on in the world right now and many of them are polarized. It’s ‘we’ against ‘them’ which I can read in most of the opinions on Social Media about politics, the Corona Virus and the government policy. I am having a hard time reading them, because there is so much blame, anger and hate in these opinions. What affects me the most is that when you have another view/perspective on what’s going on in the world right now with Corona, people easily blame you for the sickness or even death of relatives/others, or they want to deny you the right to care support in the hospital if you don’t believe in wearing a mouth mask or you don’t want to take the vaccine.
I can see that all these opinions holding up a mirror for us. It shows us our current collective state that we are in. It’s polarized and it was there all the time but now world wide in our face, so we can see what we have accepted and allowed to manifest in our world. That includes my own thoughts, beliefs and ideas with fear as a starting point. Only fear divides us and is the cause of separation from ourselves (in the first place) and so from others with all of it’s consequences manifested in the world right now. We need to take the opportunity to change history, because thus far, it keeps repeating itself. Therefore I change myself by changing my starting point from fear (which is always based on self-interest) into what is best for all.
But back to how these polarized opinions on Social Media affect me. When I read them, a feeling of giving up on this world comes up, like ‘screw all of this, we are fucked anyway’, ‘no chance that we are going to change’. I realize that my reaction is based on fear as well and is an opportunity to look into, investigate and change it, so;
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go into fear when people express their polarized opinions on Social Media towards others and to take it personal because I have another perspective on what’s going on in the world.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to take things personal when people express their fearful thoughts as if they are directly talking to me and to not see, realize and understand that this is about themselves and their starting point of fear which they project outside in this world.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that people will stay in their blame, anger and hate and take it to a next level where they really can and want to hurt another person.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give up on the world when the polarized opinions on Social Media seem overwhelming where I think that there are too few people awake and ‘we are all screwed’ and ‘we are not going to make it’.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be fearful of people who express their blame, anger and hate and I want to ignore them, delete them from my Social Media feed because I think I cannot handle a conversation with them.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to judge and ignore people on Social Media and/or want to delete them from my account as a result of my own fear of their fear and to not take into account their location in their process.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not find it easy to speak up about my point of view about the Corona situation, partly because I then need to express myself and also because my job won’t allow me to speak up where I see, realize and understand that I do know very well when to speak up and when not.
When and as I am aware of me getting scared of people who express their blame, anger and hate on Social Media towards people who have a different perspective and I take it personal, I stop and I breath. I realize that I can stand equal to where they are in their process and I realize that I can stand within my own perspective next to theirs. When effective and appropriate, I commit myself to speak up about my view on things.
When and as I am aware of me not believing that many more people will change, I stop and I breath as I realize that changing your mind in itself is easy to do, which my own process is showing to me and so I commit myself to see, realize and understand that if I can change my mind and myself, other people can change as well, which will be their own choice of course.
The word creativity has been, and still is, very important in my life. It is connected to memories of me loving to draw and paint as a child, where I was free to choose whatever I wanted to create on paper. Later in life my creativity was trained extensively in fashion academy where I had to create designs out of nothing within the context of clothing and fabrics. I always loved the process of creating and expressing myself in designs and colors but the whole process came to an end when I couldn’t find work in it. I ended up working in retail where my creative skills and talents where not needed as extensive I had developed them. Something within me broke, a whole natural and wonderful process came to an end and I felt devastated.I gave up on myself as being the creator of my life as well, meaning; I didn’t take my responsibility and direct myself in a place where creativity was needed.
Instead of using creativity to express myself as I was used to do , I now had to use it to survive in a world that doesn’t seem to care at all about expressing one selves and thriving. Becoming a single parent on a low income, I know had to use creativity to pay the bills, get food on the table, find ways to do fun things with my daughter that didn’t cost money, making sure that she would get everything that she needs to develop herself. It causes an everyday stress that was very hard to handle because livelihood wasn’t there without having enough money to live. I was searching for ways to deal with the immense amount of stress, which leads me to this state of becoming positive about all the ‘good’ that came out of living on a minimum income (and three years below minimum); like me being ‘happy’ without it because there is more than money, things that really matters in the world. And so I became convinced that I didn’t need money to be happy because I was able to survive with little money and still feeling ‘happy’. Ignoring all the stress that came with it. There was some truth in that experience but It was also a very limited perspective on myself and life where I ignored the fact that you can only fully live and thrive when there is money. It’s the simple truth we have accepted and allowed in this world to have access to life when you have (enough) money and when you don’t, you die slowly.
When there is enough money to secure our first basic needs, like food, a roof over our head, clothing and healthcare, we can breathe again, having space and time to investigate who we are, deal with trauma’s and see what we really want and need. Creativity can be used to really thrive, to create real solutions for the mess that we made of this earth, we can start up businesses that create real value for people and life, we can fully express ourselves and live our full potential.
When the basics are covered, we all can breathe freely instead of slowly suffocate ourselves due to stress of survival. We can become creators of a world that is best for all if we choose to live instead of survival. I know from my own experience that it’s very difficult to see that there is more than survival because it’s deeply ingrained within ourselves and I was blinded by it, but once I was at the point of having enough of it and I knew deep down inside that there is more than that, I activated that spark of life within myself that had guide me to make other and better choices that are best for me and so for all of us. I had to have the courage to get out of my destructive comfortzone, to get into what is Here all this time, waiting for me, which is Life.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel devastated and broken when my creativity is not needed in my job and because of that, I totally give up on expressing myself through creativity and therefore also give up on me being the creator of my own life not taking responsibility for it.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not direct myself out of the situation where my creativity wasn’t needed into a situation where it has value and I could express and live it more.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give up creativity as a real outlet for my self expression as being an introvert when it’s not needed in my job.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hate it to need to use my creativity to survive instead of as a support to express myself and to see it as a complete waste of time.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that creativity is supporting in my life as both self expression and in times of survival.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to direct myself into a positive state of mind when dealing with severe stress, where I am grateful and happy to be able to live with a minimum income thinking that this the way to live my life and nothing else is needed anymore because I have seen the ‘light’ and that there is more than money.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live in a positive state of mind so I don’t have to deal with my suppressed wants and needs and all the stress that comes from living on a minimum income.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that living in poverty is a virtue because of all the meaningful realizations come out of it and so I want it to stay that way, thinking that money and living a meaningful live can not go hand in hand.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that money and living a meaningful life can not go hand in hand and to not see that we need money to create a real meaningful life.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I can fully live my life without money, which is clearly not possible in a world where we have accepted and allowed to need lots of it to have access to life and if not, we slowly die (in the rich countries, in the poor you die immediately because of lack of food and shelter).
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that I am the creator of my life where I can direct myself out of survival into life through words, thoughts and deeds.
When I saw the world collapsing in a deep state of fear due to (contagious) thoughts about the Corona virus, it reminded me that I went through the same crisis around twenty years ago, on a personal level.
My life before my personal process consisted of a destructive and empty relationship with myself, others and the world around me. I was lost within myself and so in this world. I didn’t know how to deal with life, how to handle certain situations as a child. How to direct myself in life wasn’t provided in my upbringing and not in school. On top of that self stigma played a major role in my daily thoughts where I thought I wasn’t good enough for this world. As a result of my negative thoughts I had a very low self-esteem and combined with being talented (but not dare to show), it was breeding ground for survival, self-victimization and living a very limited life. Until I crashed; I hit rock bottom. At that point I couldn’t be more separated from myself.
There was a deep desire for authenticity and sustainability. I wanted to know what was real, what is Life?, how do I need to live and how can I have a healthy and intimate relationship with myself and others. I had so many questions that I needed an answer for as I kept searching, but I was still looking for answers outside myself. I read many, many books about different topics and at some point I saw the red thread within them; I had to find the answers within myself. My inner journey had begun. It was a big leap into the unknown.
In august 2012 I read a blog from a woman that resonated with me; it hit home right away because she wrote in a very powerful intimate and vulnerable way. One month later I started to write my own blog, eventually as part of the Desteniiprocess.
The crucial and supportive thing in this process is that I am supported by people that walk equal to me within their own process without any judgement. It’s the safe place that I need to investigate who I really am and to see the darker parts of me. I saw what I had accepted and allowed myself to be and also what I had suppressed; what I really need, my talents and my purpose in life. As I am walking my process, I gain so much more understanding of who I am in relation to my mind, being and body. It was confronting to see how egocentric I had become; my starting point in life had always been based on fear and self-interest. This was the cause of my inner chaos and feelings of emptiness. To be able to clear this within myself, I had to take full responsibility for creating it and to forgive and correct it within myself. Taking responsibility for self is the way out of self victimization.
Simultaneously with writing myself out of judgments, beliefs, ideas etc that I have of myself, I started to see my own potential that I no longer suppressed. With much more understanding my self trust came trough as a result of loving myself. With self love comes caring; about my own well being and the world around me as I see I am one with it. I transformed emptiness into fulfillment and found my core values, principles and my purpose. This is my compass in Life so I never have to go back to chaos. This doesn’t mean that my process has come to an end, it’s an evaluation in my process thus far. My process continues, as I still have challenges to walk through.
Now 8 years later, I can say how effective it is to write myself out of my inner chaos. In other words; you can hit the bottom of the well and push yourself against the bottom to get out again. It’s possible to change ourselves and bring change in this world, as my buddy just recently mentioned to me that “it’s like at the start of our own process, we considered our minds to be so overpowering, so big, so ‘established’ that it seemed impossible to ever change it – and now we’ve proven that, oh, actually, we definitely have the power to change it”.
When I look at the situation in the world today, the majority of people still live within a starting point of fear which leads to separation. It’s in our face with an intensity that we have to pay attention to it. It wants to be seen as it could support us to make a different choice, to take another direction, another starting point. It will take each and everyone of us to direct ourselves out of chaos and disorder (read survival) into life. If we all do that, we can give back to life and create heaven on earth. It is possible, we all are equal in this as we all have the potential to do so.
In the past couple of months I ended up in situations with people where I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t know how to handle the situations and moments in an effective way. What I was aware of was my reaction to it; where I knew that it wasn’t best to become emotional but I simply didn’t know what else to do. I froze and this activated insecurity within me where I felt powerless, making myself smaller and the other person superior where I had to stop myself from going into victimization where I would give the other person too much power.
I contacted someone to discuss this point and in the feedback I received they mentioned the word ‘authority’. This word resonated immediately within me as the support that I needed in these specific moments/situations.
I have to become my own authority where it’s not about going into superiority, but to assist and support myself in my change to stand as an authority inside myself and so can direct situations much more effectively. The word authority will assist me to -slowly but surely- walk myself through the process from insecurity to live Self-Authority.
The solution for me to move through moments of insecurity is to slow down myself, assist myself to go into breathing until I am grounded and stable. Then I can take in the situation, consider other people who are involved, walk through every detail so I can make an informed decision of how this point can be resolved.
For me it’s crucial to take others into consideration who are involved; where they are, can they handle reality? My own position and responsibility, because if I don’t do this, it’s easy to go into blame and judgments towards the other and into fight or flight mode. I then stay part of the problem and not the solution.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into insecurity in moments/situations where I don’t know what to do.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see insecurity as being weak.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to freeze in moments where I don’t know what to do.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel powerless as a result of fear when not knowing what to do.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make myself smaller and others superior as a result of my insecurity.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to go into victimization when I make myself smaller and the other superior.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see the words ‘ see cure’ in ‘insecurity’ which helps me to ‘see the cure’ as in a specific living word that supports me to change myself in the process from being insecure to live Self-Authority.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to disempower myself as a result of feeling insecure and to not see, realize and understand that I can assist myself with a specific word that will help me move through moments of insecurity.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not slow down and ground myself when I don’t know what to do and to not take in all the information/details of the point/situation/moment to walk through effectively.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not take into consideration where the other person is, and therefore go into blame and judgment and fight and flight mode where I know I stay part of the problem and not the solution.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to stay part of the problem and not the solution which is not what is best for all in the situation.
When and as I am aware of me becoming insecure in a moment or situation that’s new for me and I don’t know what to do, I will slow myself down by breathing, until I am stable, grounded, Here again. I realize that when I am stable and calm, I can take in all the information, details, consider others that are involved and commit myself to make an informed decision to walk through a moment or situation into the best solution for all.
I commit myself to see, realize and understand that Self-Authority is a gift that will come, a new Self-Expression that will emerge if I stand by myself in my process of change.
I got irritated with someone the other day. It started with a slight irritation but in a few minutes it became a burst of anger. I thought that I had worked through this pattern of irritation and anger, but no. Negative thoughts came up as judgments towards myself. I also felt disappointed because of the fact that irritation did came up again and then frustration and despair kicked in. But I also noticed that I wanted to push the other person away from me.
I started to investigate the situation but I didn’t understand why it had happened again. I found myself stuck at this point. I had a chat with my buddy and she told me that irritation can be triggered in different situations. The fact that it had happen again, showed me that I haven’t seen the bigger pattern yet.
In this specific situation the other person acted in a different way than I had expected. held on to my expectations about how the other person should act. This leaded up to a conflict in my mind; reality was different than my expectations.
She also showed me that it’s not the other person that I want to push away, but; ‘where this actually comes from is from wanting to end a particular experience/acceptance/allowance within self’. And ‘how those thoughts are actually coming from a ‘real point’ of communication from within/as self, but obviously within the mind they get twisted to create conflict’.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not stop irritation in the moment when I notice it and instead accept and allow it to build up within me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not want to feel the experience of irritation within me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let irritation build up until it comes out as a burst of anger.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel overwhelmed by the negative emotions and to think that it’s to strong to directly snap out of it where I do not see, realize and understand that I can direct myself out of it in any moment by focusing on my breath until I become stable again and thus being able to direct the situation in what is best for all.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that irritation can come up in different situations, which shows me that it needs to open up more so I can see the bigger pattern.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think -as an expectation- that I totally have worked through this specific point and therefore think that it will not come up again.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel disappointed at myself when irritation comes up again.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have judgments towards myself and become harsh because of it.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel tension in my body as a consequence of my judgments as negative thoughts as energy.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become frustrated as a result of my expectations when they don’t match reality.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to drown myself in despair when irritation comes up again.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I lost my self-confidence because of the thoughts that I am not able to break this pattern where I don’t see, realize and understand that confidence is Here within me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that it’s not the person that I want to push away, but the experience within myself that I don’t want to have and would like to end.
When and as I am aware of me having expectations of how another person should be or act, I stop and I breath. I realize that when I stay Here, with support of my breath, I can direct the situation to what is best for all. And so I commit myself to stay Here and direct myself to what is best for all.
In a conversation about colors it came up that I had worn a lot of black clothes in the past. Especially in the time that I was studying and working in fashion. I copied it from other designers, based on the thought ‘that I need to wear black because I am working with colors every day, so I don’t want to express myself in colors too’.
Looking back, I do see that by wearing black I was actually hiding who I really was. Wearing black clothes reflected well how I was suppressing parts of myself. It was interesting that the clothes and (fabric) designs that I made, were colorful and expressive. Apparently I had found a way to express myself through my designs.
During the years I always had a preference for wearing black clothes, but now being in process to become who I truly am, I become more aware of why I wear certain clothes and colors. I realized that my choices had not so much to do with expressing and supporting myself, but more if it is comfortable and not attracting too much attention. For instance, I don’t like it when people make compliments when I wear something that looks good on me or they like my outfit. It’s not about the compliments, but more about me getting attention from others. But this can not longer be an excuse to not express myself within clothes and colors.
And so I am now in the process of buying clothes that I really like, with colors that support me and which are an expression of me. Yet, I notice that I can easily fall back into my comfort zone of comfortable and unnoticed clothing and use of color. And I can buy clothes that I really like but end up not wearing them because of the thought ‘that’s not me’. And therefore;
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wear black clothes based on a thought that I copied from someone else and to not see, realize and understand that by wearing black, I actually hide/suppress parts of myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not fully express myself through clothes in colors and dessins that I like and which support me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that colors are here to support me and allow me to express who I am.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to make myself invisible by wearing clothes that don’t make me stand out too much from the crowd.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not want to be noticed by others as a reason to wear plain and comfortable clothes.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to come up with excuses to not wear clothes that are an expression of me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress parts of who I really am and to not express them in full color and my full potential. I realize that what I try to hide is actually my own color; the one that makes me ‘me’.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hide/suppress my own color, and my own voice because I don’t want to stand out. And because it will show myself and who I really am. To be able to this, I need to be vulnerable and take full responsibility for who I am and that’s a scary process.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel scared about expressing my own color and voice; my childlike expression, my vulnerability, my passion, me being a bit crazy, adventurous, and everything else that I am and living.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fall back in my comfortzone of wearing comfortable but ‘safe’ clothes who are not an expression of me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to buy clothes that I really like but not wearing them because of the thought ‘it’s not me’, and to not thoroughly investigate this thought.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that the thought ‘it’s not me’ actually is showing and supporting me to see a part of me that I try to hide.
When and as I am aware of me wanting to buy clothes that are not an expression of who I am but are more fitting in my comfortzone, I stop and I breath. I realize that I can support myself when buying new clothes by asking myself and my body if the clothes are an expression and support of and for me. And so I commit myself to buy clothes in colors, fabrics and style that supports me and are an expression of who I am.
I commit myself to fully express me, my own color and voice, without holding back.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself when I am in doubt of the moment when I should make a stand for myself and my principles when being part of a group.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I can’t be in doubt of the moment when I should speak up for myself and to not see, realise and understand that doubt will alway’s be there when I want to speak up for myself and/or make a stand.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wait with speaking up for myself because of the doubt that I have. Where I can see that this has to do with me assessing the situation that I want to speak up about to make sure that what I see is correct and not be colored by emotions, believes or assumptions or make things personal.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have the thought that I can’t make misstakes when being part of a group. Meaning that I have to be a groupmember that is the perfect example of being a self-leader, showing others how to be effective in every situation. I can self-honestly say that this is not where I am now as I see that it it’s a process of me becoming that effective.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I have to like people when working together. Where I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that working together is not about making things personal or that I have to like (or not like) people to be able to work with them, and instead to see that it is all about what I can bring to this project or organisation/business. And to know what my strength is and bring that into the project.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I should be able to work with everybody when being part of a group.
When and as I am aware of me being in doubt of which moment I should speak up when being part of a group, I stop and I breath. I realise that doubt will be there. I can embrace it and at the same time, speak up and/or make a stand. I commit myself to embrace doubt within myself and to speak up/stand up when I see it’s needed.
When and as I am aware of me making things personal when being part of a group, I stop and breath. I realise that it is all about me bringing in my strengths to accomplish the task/goal we have. And so I commit myself to focus on the tasks that needs to be done and to bring in my strengths.
In a conversation with someone, I got irritated and angry. A wave of anger came up within me and I said things I’d rather not have said. I was aware of all the thoughts and emotions that came up within me and it was overwhelming.
I was shocked and I felt fear because of the force of the anger. It seems as if I was sucked into the overwhelmingness. It felt stronger than me. I was aware of me giving up in that moment and as a result of that, I went full into the energy of anger. It was as if I couldn’t stop it. Then thoughts, memories, backchats and fear fuelled it even more and the anger became rage.
The anger was still there the next day. I wanted it to stop and therefore I knew that I needed to have a better understanding of the energy so I can stop it from being activated within me.
I listened to 3 Eqafe interviews about anger which I found very supportive. I can relate to all that is explained about anger. After listening to all three of the interviews, I now have a better understanding and how I can stop the energy within myself.
What became clear is that I first and foremost need to sort out the relationship that I have with anger. I can see that I have created a relationship within my mind where I think that when I am angry, I have more power. Which is an illusion.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create the illusion in my mind that when I am angry, I have more power.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a relationship with anger in my mind which is based on the illusion of having power when being angry.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deliberately become angry so I feel empowered and superior and to not see, realize and understand that becoming angry is an indication of me thinking that the other person has power over me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that the other person has power over me and as a reaction to my assumption, I become angry and feel empowered and superior over the other person.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I am superior over another person when being angry.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become irritated as a reaction to the words or behaviour from another person and to fuel the energy with backchats, memories and thoughts so the irritation builds up and becomes anger and rage.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to say things to other people in anger and out of frustration and immediately have regret of my words.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel overwhelmed by the force of anger that comes up within me very fast and unexpected.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that the energy of anger is stronger than I am and therefore I give it power.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give up on myself when feeling overwhelmed by the force of anger.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel fear when anger comes up with a strong force.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let my body become tensed and tight when irritation comes up and hold on to it.
When and as I am aware of me feeling irritated or when I feel anger comes up, I stop and I breath. I realize that I can and need stabilize myself and direct my presence out of the energy with patience so the energy of irritation or anger will release. I realize that when I am calm, I can communicate clearly and effective with the other person. I commit myself to stabilize and direct myself into a calm presence when irritation comes up so I can communicate clearly. I commit myself to see, realize and understand that a stable presence is powerful.
En este blog estaré exponiendo mi naturaleza como la mente para perdonar todo patrón que no este alineado con la Vida, aplicando corrección en cada punto siendo uno mismo el compromiso de corrección.
mijn reis naar Leven 