Day 340 understanding my anger

Schreeuwen, Boos, Gezicht, Vrouw, Eng, Agressieve

In a conversation with someone, I got irritated and angry. A wave of anger came up within me and I said things I’d rather not have said. I was aware of all the thoughts and emotions that came up within me and it was overwhelming.

I was shocked and I felt fear because of the force of the anger. It seems as if I was sucked into the overwhelmingness. It felt stronger than me. I was aware of me giving up in that moment and as a result of that, I went full into the energy of anger. It was as if I couldn’t stop it.  Then thoughts, memories, backchats and fear fuelled it even more and the anger became rage.

The anger was still there the next day. I wanted it to stop and therefore I knew that I needed to have a better understanding of the energy so I can stop it from being activated within me.

I listened to 3  Eqafe interviews about anger which I found very supportive. I can relate to all that is explained about anger. After listening to all three of the interviews, I now have a better understanding and how I can stop the energy within myself.

What became clear is that I first and foremost need to sort out the relationship that I have with anger. I can see that I have created a relationship within my mind where I think that when I am angry, I have more power. Which is an illusion.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create the illusion in my mind that when I am angry, I have more power.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a relationship with anger in my mind which is based on the illusion of having power when being angry.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deliberately become angry so I feel empowered and superior and to not see, realize and understand that becoming angry is an indication of me thinking that the other person has power over me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that the other person has power over me and as a reaction to my assumption, I become angry and feel empowered and superior over the other person.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I am superior over another person when being angry.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become irritated as a reaction to the words or behaviour from another person and to fuel the energy with backchats, memories and thoughts so the irritation builds up and becomes anger and rage.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to say things to other people in anger and out of frustration and immediately have regret of my words.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel overwhelmed by the force of anger that comes up within me very fast and unexpected.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that the energy of anger is stronger than I am and therefore I give it power.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give up on myself when feeling overwhelmed by the force of anger.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel fear when anger comes up with a strong force.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let my body become tensed and tight when irritation comes up and hold on to it.

When and as I am aware of me feeling irritated or when I feel anger comes up, I stop and I breath.  I realize that I can and need  stabilize myself and direct my presence out of the energy with patience so the energy of irritation or anger will release. I realize that when I am calm, I can communicate clearly and effective with the other person. I commit myself to stabilize and  direct myself into a calm presence when irritation comes up so I can communicate clearly. I commit myself to see, realize and understand that a stable presence is powerful.

Day 339 not wanting others to worry about me

kristina-flour-BcjdbyKWquw-unsplash (1)Photo by Kristina Flour on Unsplash

I was in the hospital for treatment of my irregular heartbeat. It had started a day before and couldn’t be controlled with medication. The protocol prescribes that I have to go to the hospital if the irregular heartbeat lasts for 24 hours. After a check up by the doctor I decided to go to the hospital the next morning. I was treated with a cardioversion that made my heartbeat normal again. After this I informed my family about the incident. My daughter (who stayed at my mothers house) told me that she didn’t like it that I hadn’t told her about my hospital treatment. I told her that I hadn’t because I didn’t want her to worry -or be in panic- over me. She then indicated that she would not panic and that she could continue to function in school. If only I would keep her informed. And so:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not take into consideration that my daughter wants to be informed of a possible hospital treatment I need to have.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that it’s not necessary to inform my family because I realize that I can handle the situation on my own and therefore it’s no need that they should know about it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that my daughter can’t handle the situation if she finds out about it and because of it, she will loose her concentration in school.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think to know that if I tell others, they make it way to big and will worry about me all the time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not want others to worry about me because I then start worrying about them and it will be an extra burden for me to take and therefore I keep quiet.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I need to carry the worry of others about my heart dis ease.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that it’s best to inform the people that I am closest to so we can have an open communication about the situation and see what is best to do in that specific moment.

When and as I am aware of me wanting to keep things for myself -about my health-, because I don’t want  other people to worry about me, I stop and I breath. I realize that I can have an open communication with my daughter and loved ones about the situation I am in, as I see it can help all of us being informed and therefore stay calm.

I commit myself to have an open communication with my daughter and loved ones about anything that is health related and relevant for them to know about. In that way we are all informed and on the same page.

 

Day 338 Self-forgiveness -and correction on money

 

Where the New Education Money Goes | The Range: The Tucson ...

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hate money because I see it as evil in the world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that money has power over me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that money can direct me and to not see, realize and understand that this a self-created belief that seperates me from myself as the directive principle.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seperate myself from myself as the directive principle by thinking that money can direct me and thus, has power over me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame money when I have just enough to pay the bills.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame my parents for not educating me on finances and within the blame I see myself giving up on myself in my financial situation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give up on myself in my financial situation and to stay in this negative emotion for decades.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel powerless and a victim of me being not educated enough on finance.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not stand up and take responsibility for my financial illiteracy when I realize I need more education and instead, blame my parents for it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that I can educate myself on finances so I can direct myself more effectivly within the money system.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make money as a goal in my life, where money is the startingpoint of everything that I do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to chase money and to not see, realize and understand that I am separating myself from me as the directive principle in my life.

When and as I am aware of me chasing money and so use money as a startingpoint to direct myself in this life, I stop and I breath. I realize that I am the directive principle of my life and that it’s my responsibility to investigate and understand the current monysystem, and to stand equal with it. I commit myself to take full responsibility for my financial situation and to educate myself about money whenever I see this is needed.

Day 337 Let’s talk about money

Geldmachine Aan Druk Nieuwe Euro Bankbiljetten Stock ...

When I found out as a little girl that there was such a thing as poverty and that not everyone had enough money for food, I asked my parents how money was made; “Money is printed on a machine,” my parents answered. I immediately responded with ‘then more money has to be printed so that everyone has money for food’. My parents then explained something about money that didn’t make sense at all to me.  I saw that my solution was the most simple one.

When I grew up I noticed that our family lived in a bigger house than other people. My parents ran their own business that did well but their employees lived in a smaller house. Both my parents and the employees worked very hard and yet there was that inequality … I felt very uncomfortable with it and wanted to know how this inequality could exists.

At 21 I left my parental home and found myself financially illiterate. I now had to do what my parents had always done for me; taking care of myself, also with finances. I studied and made sure that I paid my  bills.  I  ended up in low paid jobs where I worked 40 hours a week and barely managed to pay the bills. The possibilities that I had as a child, because my parents could afford it (having my own horse, go on vacation, go to a private school that I chose myself), no longer existed. I just made enough money to pay the bills and that was it.  I started to hate money and I saw it as evil in the world. I even blamed my parents secretly for not educating me on finances. I  never took the responsibilty for educating myself on how to make more money in the system. I chose to stay a victim.

I worked for a multinational where I soon realized that it was all about money and profit. They didn’t care about their staff, given the low salaries and the constant focus from the management team on money. I realized that I cared more about myself than they did and I wanted to see the care reflected back on me. I wanted to work in a place where the welbeing of people was seen as most important instead of profit. I investigated other work places and companies  but saw that profit was a goal everywhere. At that time, around 2008,  I realized that this was a reflection of my own relationship with money; I had made money as a goal in my life. I was chasing it. It came as a big shock to me to  realize all of  this.   From that moment on I started to investigate my thoughts and beliefs about money and saw that we, as humanity, don’t need money at all to be alive. It was a self-created belief that I was participating in.

I realized something else too; we can ALL have access to life, we don’t need to work so we can buy a life (i am not saying that we don’t have to work at all, because we have created enough problems on this earth that needs to be solved). We have created beliefs about life and money that has manifested itself in a money-system that is a survival of the fittest and not best for all. It’s based on self-interest. When you have money you have access to life -the millionaires and billionaires- and when you don’t have it, you will suffer, you will die directly -people in third world countries- or you have just enough to not die immediately -people without a job, people who work full time for low wages, people on welfare, flexworkers, freelancers etc.

The majority of people don’t have autonomy and freedom to make choices that are best for them en their loved ones. Autonomy and freedom go hand in hand with having money. It’s possible to solve the huge gap between the few that have access to life and the majority that doesn’t. It starts with myself, ourselves by investigating our beliefs, to question them and to correct them into the best outcome for all.

In my next blog I will write self-forgiveness and self-correction about my beliefs about money.

Day 336 living from my heart

black framed glass window with heart draw

It started in the fall of 2018 that I felt more tired than ever before. For a couple of months I had gone through some stressful situations. I had placed myself in an environment that wasn’t healthy for me and I was trying to find a way out of it.  The whole situation triggered a lot of stress within me and my body, to the point that I ended up in the hospital with an irregular heartbeat. While I was laying there, I immediately new that stress was the cause. In a chat with Sunette it became clear that my heart had stepped in to support me and was communicating with me; ” I can’t carry the burdens of the past any longer, I am ready to heal and be fulfilled with the heart of your presence, the love I know you can give to yourself and others… time to let go, let go, let go”. 

I was living in my mind too much and this was the cause of severe stress. As a solution, I had to define the words ‘living from my heart’. I opened up the word ‘heart’ and first thing that came up was a picture of a red heart and the word love, as it is symbolic for romantic love as most people will relate to. It’s interesting to know that the origin of the word ‘romantic’ means; ‘appealing to the imagination’ and ‘unreal’. So quite superficial. But many people referring to the heart in a more profound way as it represents the innermost of man:

The best and most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or even touched. They must be felt within the heart.”  – Helen Keller

Goodbyes are only for those who love with their eyes. Because for those who love with heart and soul there is no such thing as separation.” ― Rumi

When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight.” ― Kahlil Gibran

Your vision will become clear only when you can look into your own heart. Who looks outside, dreams; who looks inside, awakes.” – Carl Jung

Within my investigation, I asked others about their perspectives on what it means to live from the heart. I took the words that I could agree on and completed them with what I had found myself;  Self-love, Self-care, compassion, trust, appreciation, gratitude, fulfillment, dedication, Self-expression, support, passion, growth, courage and expanding.  These words will support me in my process.

What I also did was to support myself and my body even more than I already did;  I started with poweryoga and, on a regular basis, I walk outside for at least 1 hour. I investigated which food will be beneficial for my body and I take supplements. Just to make sure I take full responsibility for the condition of my heart and body.

To be able to live from my heart, I have to unconditionally let go of the past. The self-blame, belief of not being good enough, guilt, regrets and judgements of who I was back then. Face it, forgive it and let it go. Writing supports me to dig into the dark places within myself, finding the memories that are attached with emotions and feelings that I carry with me. Time to let them go, to heal and fulfill myself.  It’s not about trying to correct myself to be better. It’s about who I am now, from the startingpoint of being Here in every moment of breath and Self-honesty.

To be continued…

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Day 335 Self-forgiveness and corrections on my thoughts about debt

Self-Forgiveness - Cornerstone Christian Counseling

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get myself into debt -a personal loan- without educating myself first on what debt is and the long-term consequences of it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that I get myself into debt for things that I don’t need and which only fuel my short term wants, needs and desires.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not educate myself about debt before going into  it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get into debt with a startingpoint that is based on self-interest and to not use common sense.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create issues around debt and to not investigate where those issues come from and to not stop them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ignore my debt for a long time, not dealing with it and paying it off.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that it’s not the debt that causes the tension and stress, what I am really worried about are the things that coming up, about what can go wrong and I don’t have the money to pay back.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel fear when going into debt because of me thinking that I will never be able to pay it back.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to put pressure and tension on my body for years and to not see, realize and understand the long term consequences for my body.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, now I am debt free, I will never ever go into debt again and to not see, realize and understand that the whole worldsystem is based on debt.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that when I borrow money, that I borrow it from debt itself, so I am always paying back.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that the debt system is an external manifestation of who we are.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that I am taking from life and that debt starts with me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that the debt I should carry upon my shoulders, is the debt that I have to pay back to my physical body, to life and to myself.

When and as I am aware of me going into fear when faced with debt, I stop and I breath. I realize that I can stand equal to debt as what is accepted and allowed as the worldsystem we have today.

I commit myself to, whenever I am  faced with debt, to make sure it’s a practical debt as a future investment and to not make unnecessary debt and to not make it a big issue. I will hold on to what I need to create in my life, to add in the things that I need.

I commit myself to pay back to life, my body and being by taking good care on a daily basis.

I commit myself to fullfil myself as a person as much as I can and to see, realize and understand that there is no problem with that.

 

 

 

 

Day 334 Let’s talk about debt

I remember the time when I was in my early twenties and went to the bank for a personal loan. I was a student back then and although I had a job besides my study, and paying all the bills that came in, I run out of money before the end of the month. Back then it was easy to get a loan, and so I took one.

Although it wasn’t a large amount of money that I borrowed,  I felt the burden of it in form of conflict within me. I never took responsibility for paying it back. Until twenty years later I was sick and tired of it and reached out for help. I took responsibility for paying back my debt and within 3 years I was able to start again with a blanc sheet.

It was interesting to experience the relief I felt when I got rid of my debt. I realize how much of a burden it really was to carry it with me me all of those years. This interview supported me to see what’s really behind all the stress, pressure and tension. It’s not actually about debt, what I am really worried about is things coming up that could go wrong and that I don’t have the money to pay it back. It’s my fears with ‘what if’.

Looking back I can see that my debt wasn’t necessary at all. It was a mixture of not being educated about money, debt and how to handle it all when living on my own for the first time, and for not taking responsability to educate myself about it.

I took the loan because it gave me the opportunity to spend it on things that I didn’t need, like fancy clothes which were very important for me at that time in my life. In the short run it gave me something to fuel my desires and wants, but on the moment I took the loan and created debt in my bankaccount, I never realized how much pressure I created upon myself in the long run/my future and on my body.

The unnecessary debt teached me a lesson about consequences and to never do that again. Instead, I had to learn how to spend my money in a more objective and practical way. Using common sense when buying something. What supported me back then, and still is these days, is to ask myself the question, ‘do I really need this?’ everytime I want to buy something. It has helped me with getting a mindset that is more effectively balanced between my wants & desires and being practical in my decisions. I can now assert myself in making decisions when it comes to debt; when I am standing before it, I will make sure that it is a practical debt as a future investment instead of an unnecessary debt.

In the next blog I will write Self-forgiveness statements about any reactions I still have to debt.

 

 

 

Day 333 The answer is always right in front of me

The answer is right in front of US! An old clue found in ...

As we all have to make decisions in our lives, I have found out that sometimes I can make them in an absolute certainty; I know what I want, or not. It’s clear and solid to me and if feels natural.

When I look back in my life (especially in my teenage years),  at the decisions I have said ‘yes’ to in an absolute certainty, those where the decisions were I have learned most about myself or I expanded myself through strengthing my talents or developing new skills.

However, nowadays, I am sometimes confronted with situations where I freeze within myself when I have to make a decision. What’s behind it is fear, the fear of having to make a choice. At the moment for instance, I am faced with more than one direction that I am able to take in my work. I can also see that my talents and skills will fit in any direction that I choose. Now being aware of this makes me go into freezemode right away. And I leave it just there, I don’t investigate or search for what is best to do while the answer is right in front of me.

The point I missed and that leads me to an answer as a certain and clear decision, is to give myself all  context; everything and all that is involved. What I can do in this situation is;

  • to take everything in consideration
  • to take the people that are involved in my life in consideration
  • to look at the possibilities and probabilities
  • to see when and if I go this or that way, what will be best?

Instead of gifting this to myself, I just go into a reaction immediately. And thus,

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in fear by going into freezemode when faced with having to make a decision.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to panic in fear when I am faced with more than one opportunities within my work.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realized and understand that the answer is right in front of me, in this case a decision that I can be clear on.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not take the responsibility to direct myself out of my freezemode and instead, leave myself hanging in there for a while.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let fear control me and to not change this in real-time when being aware of this fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not gift myself  the context of all  and everything that is involved and that will lead me into an answer that is a clear decision.

When and as I am aware of me going into fear/freezemode when faced with having to make a decision, i stop and I breath. I realize that the answer is right in front of me and so I commit myself to give myself full context of everything and all that is/are involved in the situation so I can make a clear decision.

 

I can recommend this interview with support on having to make a decision;

Why your weakest points are your greatest strength – life review

 

 

 

 

Day 332 understanding the intensity of sadness

grayscale photo of person's back

I have noticed that I am still carrying an intense feeling of sadness within me since Prince died in 2016. When hearing he died, I wasn’t able to speak about it for a few hours because of the overwhelming emotions I felt within me.

Because of it coming up every once and while, and feeling the intensity again, I wanted to understand it so I can release it while knowing that experiencing sadness is normal.

I have listened to this interview to be able to understand what sadness is. It is an energetic experience that actually accumulates in our mind, beingness and body throughout  time. It’s not an experience that all of a sudden is coming up out of nowhere when someone is not in your world or reality anymore.

When developing an intimate relationship (in my case with a specific kind of artist and his music) over time, the sadness emotional energy already starts accumulating, manifesting and layering within my mind at the start of it. I was mentally preparing myself for the moment of loss because the more intimacy you develop over time, with something or someone,  what also simulthaneously develop is that fear of loss.

But how much of our relationship is  more energetically based than really in fact are reality, practically, physically and meaningfull based?

What I did is constructively used my imagination and place the artist and his music in front of me and saw how much my relationship with his music is energy based. In this case with positive energy. I have accumulated this in my mind, beingness and body over time in more than 30 years.

After listening to the interview, I can see that there is gratefulness  within me for the real joy this artist still brings in my life through his music.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel absolutely overwhelmed by the sadness I experience after Prince died.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold on to the sadness and the intensity of it, while knowing that it is a very unpleasant experience within me and to not investigate what sadness actually is.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to assume that sadness is suddenly created and manifested in the moment someone leaves this reality and to not consider that the intensity and overwhelming extent of the sadness I experience in those moments shows that it must have accumulated over time in my mind, being and body and could not have been generated in an instant moment of loosing someone.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see, realize and understand  that the energy of sadness already starts accumulating, manifesting and layering within me, within and throughout the time that I am developing an intimate relationship with something or someone.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see, realize and understand that I have created the habit of simultaneously developing a relationship with someone and in the back of my mind, already preparing myself for the moment of losing that someone.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create a positive energy based relationship with the artist and his music and to not see, realize and understand how this in fact is related to my fear of loosing his music when he died.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience sadness as a comfortable energy and to belief that it makes the loss more bearable and meaningful.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that so long as I am sad by the loss of Prince, that I am still honouring him through my sadness, as though the sadness is keeping him alive in me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see, realize and understand that without being the artist here in my world,  what remains is the music and the gift of the words that I saw he was expressing, being able to gift this to myself.  Therefore I am grateful.

 

I especially recommend the interview  when being in a close and intimate relationship and/or when you have lost someone you were close to and the person is out of your reality/world.

 

 

 

Day 331 Saggitarius, is this who I am?

Sagittarius Zodiac Sign | My Astral Life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as my zodiac sign, which is Saggitarius and to not see, realize and understand that by doing this, I am limiting myself to grow and develop because I see the zodiac sign characteristics as fixed and definitive.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that my Saggitarius characteristics determine who I am and to not see, realize and understand that I can use them as a cross-reference and support to expand myself more.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ask other people about their zodiac sign to determine whether or not to continue our contact as something that is preordained to fail or succeed where I do realize that this is a limited view.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that I will miss a substantial amount of opportunities of really getting to know people when I see them as  only their zodiac sign characteristics and to not put effort in making contact when there is no compatibility.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that I, in fact, can create effective relationships with people just by getting to know them and spending time with them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project a possible outcome in the future based on zodiac sign characteristics and having faith in this. And within doing this, creating dependency in faith instead of creating the relationship by taking initiative and time to really getting to know someone.

I do realize that characteristiscs of my zodiac sign can tell something about my strengths and weaknesses and can be used as a bridge of support to strengthen my weaknesses by working on them and so I commit myself to strengthen my weaknesses by working on them when I see this is best for all.

I commit myself to see, realize and understand that I can take the initiative and  time to really getting to know someone and create a relationship with them based on who I am and who they are when walking next to them.

Recommended:

https://eqafe.com/p/interview-request-astrology-past-and-present-part-1

https://eqafe.com/p/interview-request-astrology-past-and-present-part-2