Day 340 understanding my anger

Schreeuwen, Boos, Gezicht, Vrouw, Eng, Agressieve

In a conversation with someone, I got irritated and angry. A wave of anger came up within me and I said things I’d rather not have said. I was aware of all the thoughts and emotions that came up within me and it was overwhelming.

I was shocked and I felt fear because of the force of the anger. It seems as if I was sucked into the overwhelmingness. It felt stronger than me. I was aware of me giving up in that moment and as a result of that, I went full into the energy of anger. It was as if I couldn’t stop it.  Then thoughts, memories, backchats and fear fuelled it even more and the anger became rage.

The anger was still there the next day. I wanted it to stop and therefore I knew that I needed to have a better understanding of the energy so I can stop it from being activated within me.

I listened to 3  Eqafe interviews about anger which I found very supportive. I can relate to all that is explained about anger. After listening to all three of the interviews, I now have a better understanding and how I can stop the energy within myself.

What became clear is that I first and foremost need to sort out the relationship that I have with anger. I can see that I have created a relationship within my mind where I think that when I am angry, I have more power. Which is an illusion.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create the illusion in my mind that when I am angry, I have more power.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a relationship with anger in my mind which is based on the illusion of having power when being angry.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deliberately become angry so I feel empowered and superior and to not see, realize and understand that becoming angry is an indication of me thinking that the other person has power over me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that the other person has power over me and as a reaction to my assumption, I become angry and feel empowered and superior over the other person.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I am superior over another person when being angry.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become irritated as a reaction to the words or behaviour from another person and to fuel the energy with backchats, memories and thoughts so the irritation builds up and becomes anger and rage.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to say things to other people in anger and out of frustration and immediately have regret of my words.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel overwhelmed by the force of anger that comes up within me very fast and unexpected.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that the energy of anger is stronger than I am and therefore I give it power.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give up on myself when feeling overwhelmed by the force of anger.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel fear when anger comes up with a strong force.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let my body become tensed and tight when irritation comes up and hold on to it.

When and as I am aware of me feeling irritated or when I feel anger comes up, I stop and I breath.  I realize that I can and need  stabilize myself and direct my presence out of the energy with patience so the energy of irritation or anger will release. I realize that when I am calm, I can communicate clearly and effective with the other person. I commit myself to stabilize and  direct myself into a calm presence when irritation comes up so I can communicate clearly. I commit myself to see, realize and understand that a stable presence is powerful.

Day 339 not wanting others to worry about me

kristina-flour-BcjdbyKWquw-unsplash (1)Photo by Kristina Flour on Unsplash

I was in the hospital for treatment of my irregular heartbeat. It had started a day before and couldn’t be controlled with medication. The protocol prescribes that I have to go to the hospital if the irregular heartbeat lasts for 24 hours. After a check up by the doctor I decided to go to the hospital the next morning. I was treated with a cardioversion that made my heartbeat normal again. After this I informed my family about the incident. My daughter (who stayed at my mothers house) told me that she didn’t like it that I hadn’t told her about my hospital treatment. I told her that I hadn’t because I didn’t want her to worry -or be in panic- over me. She then indicated that she would not panic and that she could continue to function in school. If only I would keep her informed. And so:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not take into consideration that my daughter wants to be informed of a possible hospital treatment I need to have.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that it’s not necessary to inform my family because I realize that I can handle the situation on my own and therefore it’s no need that they should know about it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that my daughter can’t handle the situation if she finds out about it and because of it, she will loose her concentration in school.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think to know that if I tell others, they make it way to big and will worry about me all the time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not want others to worry about me because I then start worrying about them and it will be an extra burden for me to take and therefore I keep quiet.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I need to carry the worry of others about my heart dis ease.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that it’s best to inform the people that I am closest to so we can have an open communication about the situation and see what is best to do in that specific moment.

When and as I am aware of me wanting to keep things for myself -about my health-, because I don’t want  other people to worry about me, I stop and I breath. I realize that I can have an open communication with my daughter and loved ones about the situation I am in, as I see it can help all of us being informed and therefore stay calm.

I commit myself to have an open communication with my daughter and loved ones about anything that is health related and relevant for them to know about. In that way we are all informed and on the same page.

 

Day 320 how to make a real yes or no

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There have been enough situations in my life where I have said yes or no to a question or situation without considering myself in it or the consequences. I would simply ‘follow my positive feelings’ which I saw as my intuition that would lead me in the ‘right’ direction. Most of the time it would lead to unwanted consequences for myself and  for those who were involved.

I can be very enthusiastic, saying yes very quickly before I make an informed decision within myself, weighing all the possible facts and outcomes, who’s involved within it, what do I need, what are the consequences short and long term. It helps me a lot to take the time to create a real yes or no, an advice my father once gave me; ‘sleep over it for a night’, which allows me to take the time to investigate the situation or the question. First I will make a clear decision for myself, then talk it through with others who are involved in it and so in the consequences of it all. If I do it this way, I make sure it is a balanced decision. It will support me in periods of my life when I have allready a lot of responsibilities.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to say yes immediately to a question or situation and to not consider the consequences of my decision.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be in an enthusiastic energetic state when saying yes to something, where I can see the desire to do things for others so I can validate myself through them as I want them to see me as a giving and friendly person.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to generate positive energy so I can fulfill my desire to validate myself through others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to follow my positive feelings and seeing them as my intuition and to not see, realize and understand that this is not a real and sustainable direction.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ignore my real needs in a decision that I need to make and instead only see what I can do for others to generate positive energy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not first take the responsibility to really care for myself in a decision that I need to make.

When and as I see myself wanting to say yes (or no)  immediately without making an informed decision within myself, I stop and I breath. I will take the time to investigate the question or situation within myself, looking for all possible outcomes and consequences so I can make it a real yes or no.

I commit myself to – when needed – take the time to say yes or no, investigate possible outcomes, weigh things out, look for the consequences short- and long term and see who is involved within my decision. I see, realize and understand that in doing it this way, I can make it a real yes or no and step into it (or not) with full responsibility for myself and my decision.