Day 339 not wanting others to worry about me

kristina-flour-BcjdbyKWquw-unsplash (1)Photo by Kristina Flour on Unsplash

I was in the hospital for treatment of my irregular heartbeat. It had started a day before and couldn’t be controlled with medication. The protocol prescribes that I have to go to the hospital if the irregular heartbeat lasts for 24 hours. After a check up by the doctor I decided to go to the hospital the next morning. I was treated with a cardioversion that made my heartbeat normal again. After this I informed my family about the incident. My daughter (who stayed at my mothers house) told me that she didn’t like it that I hadn’t told her about my hospital treatment. I told her that I hadn’t because I didn’t want her to worry -or be in panic- over me. She then indicated that she would not panic and that she could continue to function in school. If only I would keep her informed. And so:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not take into consideration that my daughter wants to be informed of a possible hospital treatment I need to have.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that it’s not necessary to inform my family because I realize that I can handle the situation on my own and therefore it’s no need that they should know about it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that my daughter can’t handle the situation if she finds out about it and because of it, she will loose her concentration in school.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think to know that if I tell others, they make it way to big and will worry about me all the time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not want others to worry about me because I then start worrying about them and it will be an extra burden for me to take and therefore I keep quiet.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I need to carry the worry of others about my heart dis ease.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that it’s best to inform the people that I am closest to so we can have an open communication about the situation and see what is best to do in that specific moment.

When and as I am aware of me wanting to keep things for myself -about my health-, because I don’t want  other people to worry about me, I stop and I breath. I realize that I can have an open communication with my daughter and loved ones about the situation I am in, as I see it can help all of us being informed and therefore stay calm.

I commit myself to have an open communication with my daughter and loved ones about anything that is health related and relevant for them to know about. In that way we are all informed and on the same page.