I remember the time when I was in my early twenties and went to the bank for a personal loan. I was a student back then and although I had a job besides my study, and paying all the bills that came in, I run out of money before the end of the month. Back then it was easy to get a loan, and so I took one.
Although it wasn’t a large amount of money that I borrowed, I felt the burden of it in form of conflict within me. I never took responsibility for paying it back. Until twenty years later I was sick and tired of it and reached out for help. I took responsibility for paying back my debt and within 3 years I was able to start again with a blanc sheet.
It was interesting to experience the relief I felt when I got rid of my debt. I realize how much of a burden it really was to carry it with me me all of those years. This interview supported me to see what’s really behind all the stress, pressure and tension. It’s not actually about debt, what I am really worried about is things coming up that could go wrong and that I don’t have the money to pay it back. It’s my fears with ‘what if’.
Looking back I can see that my debt wasn’t necessary at all. It was a mixture of not being educated about money, debt and how to handle it all when living on my own for the first time, and for not taking responsability to educate myself about it.
I took the loan because it gave me the opportunity to spend it on things that I didn’t need, like fancy clothes which were very important for me at that time in my life. In the short run it gave me something to fuel my desires and wants, but on the moment I took the loan and created debt in my bankaccount, I never realized how much pressure I created upon myself in the long run/my future and on my body.
The unnecessary debt teached me a lesson about consequences and to never do that again. Instead, I had to learn how to spend my money in a more objective and practical way. Using common sense when buying something. What supported me back then, and still is these days, is to ask myself the question, ‘do I really need this?’ everytime I want to buy something. It has helped me with getting a mindset that is more effectively balanced between my wants & desires and being practical in my decisions. I can now assert myself in making decisions when it comes to debt; when I am standing before it, I will make sure that it is a practical debt as a future investment instead of an unnecessary debt.
In the next blog I will write Self-forgiveness statements about any reactions I still have to debt.